


It wasn't love at first sight but it was close enough

by Robosynthesis



Category: Homestuck
Genre: AU, Character Death, I'm horrible, M/M, Minor Jake English/Dirk Strider, One Sided Relationships, Sadstuck, it talks about their relationship at least, meantion of slight Dave Strider/ Karkat Vantas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-10
Updated: 2014-10-06
Packaged: 2018-01-18 22:28:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1445173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Robosynthesis/pseuds/Robosynthesis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The first time you caught sight of John Egbert,  he made your breath hitch. You mistook him for someone else.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Love is hard

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this at three in the morning when I couldn't sleep. Honestly it isn't even that good. But if you really want to read go for it! 
> 
> But yeah, Dirk/ John is a guilty ship of mine and I love it.
> 
> I didn't really talk about it, but I picture Dirk being a few years older than Dave and John. I also kind of implied that Dave and John were in college at the time, so maybe them being the ages of twenty three or so in the beginning.
> 
> If there are any spelling errors I'm sorry. I went over it a few times but I could of have looked over something.

The first time you caught sight of John Egbert,  he made your breath hitch. You mistook him for someone else- your ex-boyfriend, Jake English. You forgot about him soon after he left your sight.  
  
The second time you see him, a week later, you catch yourself staring. You realize that he may look like your ex-boyfriend from a distance,  but he was remarkably different. His jaw was more rounded, his hair was lighter and flowed differently, his teeth were slightly more bucked, he was taller, and his eyes were the deepest shade of blue you have ever seen among various other things that made him different.  
  
You also notice that while Jake was more straight forward with things, John was hesitant. When you noticed him talking to someone, you could see the gears working in his head.  
  
The third time you see him, you realize that you're falling into the deepest pile of shit you have ever seen. You start noticing things that he does- from biting his lips when he is nervous to tapping his fingers quietly at his side when he is thinking hard about something. It worries you slightly but you try not to think about it.  
  
The forth time you see him he is with your bro. You note that he and Dave are pretty close to one another. You envy that relationship and you admit you are slightly jealous of it. Dave has a lot of friends, unlike you. You notice the way his eyes light up when he talks to Dave and it makes your heart clench. You recognize that look. You gave Jake the same one for a while. You subconsciously wonder if Dave knows how lucky he is.  
  
The fifth time you see him, you actually talk to him. It was a short "sup" while walking past him, followed by a "hello Dirk!" But it still made you happy. He was a nice guy. You can see why your bro likes him so much.  
  
The sixth time you see him, you  finally landed in your pile of shit. As soon as you smacked yourself into the pile you couldn't stop thinking about him. You started to seek him out, but made sure to keep your distance so he didn't notice you.

You had memorized the sound of his bubbly laugh and surly could draw his face perfectly, if you could actually draw that well. The way the corners of his lips moved upwards when he sees one of his friends, or how his lips part just ever so slightly when he is amazed at something or someone, you have all of that memorized too. He displayed his emotions so easily like a picture book, and you were the child who was dazzled by the wonderful colors and lines that made up the pictures on on the page.  
  
The seventh time you see him, it was when you walked in on him changing in your bathroom. He had just taken his shirt off and had tossed it onto the floor. You swear your heart skipped a beat as you ran your eyes down his chest. The muscles were there, though not overwhelming. He had the outlines of a six pack and his skin was nicely toned. You don't think you will be forgetting that sight any time soon. You also dont think you will forget the tint of pink that rose to his cheeks and tips of his ears when he notices you were there, only after pulling his pants down half way. He quickly pulled them back up and pushed you out of the room, closing the door behind him.  
  
The eighth time you see him, he was crying. Well, not really crying but he may as well of have been. He was sitting down against a wall and the look on his face was that of pure betrayal and sorrow. You swear he was a dam ready to overflow at any time. After you finally decided to approach him, you sat down next to him without a word. The two of you sat there in silence for what felt like an hour until he softly spoke, barely above a whisper.  
  
"He was kissing Karkat."  
  
You knew exactly who he was talking about. And it was at that time the dam burst and he clung to you like you were his last hope for savior. You let him cling. You swear you could of have went to find Dave and beat him senseless for hurting John this much. You wanted to, actually.  But he needed you now and you would be damned if you left him alone.  
  
He cried himself to sleep that day and you carried him to his bed. Eventually you just decided to watch over him the rest of the night.  
  
The next morning you punched Dave in the face.  
  
The ninth time you see him four days later, he actually sought you out.  
  
"I never said thank you for what you did."  
  
He didn't need to thank you. You tell him such.  
  
"No, I do! I mean I was kind of a mess and you didn't have to stay with me or put me to bed. So for that thank you."  
  
A smile was brought to your face. You tell him he can make it up to you by going on a date.  
  
After a few seconds of thought,  he agrees.  
  
"It can't hurt after all."  
  
The tenth time you see him, your breath once again hitched. It was the day of your date and you swear he was beautiful. For once you weren't looking at him from afar or while crying and upset. You were next to him, he was beside you, and everything felt right as if you belonged there. Everything about him screamed "look at me!!!" to you. You never wanted to look away. You could tell he had recently gotten out of the shower because of his damp hair, which somehow made him look even more beautiful than you already thought he was.  
  
The two of you settled on watching a movie then going out to eat. It was cliche- typical date scenes you see in movies or read about in books, but you still enjoyed yourself and you were sure he did too.  
  
"Maybe we could do this again." He said before closing his front door behind him.  
  
It wasn't until the eleventh time you saw him that you realized you were in love with him. You didn't talk to him, but you just realized it as you watched him. It was a different love then what you had felt with Jake though.  
  
With Jake it was more of a thin line kind of love. It felt like you had to follow the line perfectly or else something bad would happen. Even though you weren't that clumsy,  you still wavered from the line often and that lead to where you are now- as ex's.  
  
This love was more free. Even though John knew nothing of your feelings, it still felt like you didn't have to make sure to follow a line. It was never once like that with Jake.  
  
The twelfth time you see John, a month later, he was in the arms of Dave. It made you stop in your tracks and you almost thought you were dreaming. You turn around and leave before they saw you.  
  
The thirteenth time you see him, he is pressed against the wall with Dave, their lips on one another. When they notice that you're there,  they part and Dave tells you that they're boyfriends now. Silently, you watch as John's cheeks turn a nice, light, rosy pink. You leave the room and think maybe you will be sick, so you head for the bathroom. You didn't like your lunch anyways.  
  
You avoid John for the next four months. The fourteenth time you see him, it was when you saw him asleep on your couch. Dave apparently had class and you took it as though John wanted to wait around for him. You lean against the side of the couch and study his face. You don't know how long you were watching him but soon you hear a faint click at the front door. You're down the hall before it was even fully opened.  
  
Dave moves out to his own apartment soon after. As such, you don't see John anymore and you stop having to avoid him. The heartbreak slowly starts to heal, you think.  
  
It is two years later when you see him for the fifteenth time, on their wedding day. Dave asked you to be best man and you agreed. The feelings come rushing back as you watch John walk down the aisle escorted by his father.  
  
You cant help but feel stupid. You didn't know the kid but here you are still hopelessly in love with him when you thought you were well over him. He was going to be your brother in law soon and you _loved_ him.  
  
"I do." You hear him say to your brother.  
  
You can't help but feel like he may be saying it to the wrong person.  
  
You see him the sixteenth time later that evening. It was at the after party or whatever it was called. You were never big on weddings.  It was just after John and Dave parted from their first dance as a married couple. As part of tradition, John's dad danced with Dave. Since you were the closest thing Dave had to a father, you danced with John.  
  
He was a clumsy dance to say the least. As the two of you swayed to the song -one of your hands on his hip and the other on his shoulder  
( his currently on the same spots on you )- you felt happy again. You truly loved John as stupid as it made you. You decided that you were happy now that he was happy. Even if it was with your brother.  
  
Still you allowed yourself to enjoy the moment.  Even when he stepped on your feet, you were happy.  
  
The seventeenth time you saw him was when they decided that it was about time you met their adopted daughter, Casey.  
  
You were never a kids guy. They tended to annoy the crap out of you before making you smile, but Casey was different.  Not only was she John's daughter, but Dave's as well. She was your niece,  and suddenly you wanted to spoil her rotten.    
  
It didn't help that she had blue eyes. Not as deep as John's but they still drew you in just as easily. You knew you loved her from the moment you saw her.  
  
She was beautiful and you wish she called you dad and not uncle, but god you were never happier for the couple. Casey would be in good hands and would be raised properly. If not, they would be hearing from ( what later on Casey called ) "Mean uncle Dirk".  
  
The eighteenth time you saw him was when Casey turned three. You had been out of country for a year for work and had just arrived in time to make it. It also marks the day that you realized you loved John. What a coincidence.  
  
You got Casey the biggest stuffed bear you could find and the look in her eyes was priceless. You also snuck her some candy later. You got caught by John and was scolded for doing such. He let it slide because it was his precious daughter after all, and let her have it as long as she didn't eat it all at once.  
  
God he was an amazing parent. You wonder if Dave knew how lucky he was to not only be married to a wonderful guy, but also a wonderful father.  
  
The nineteenth time you see him..  
  
You regret everything and the steady beeping noise was an annoyance but also a beacon of hope at the same time. The pitch of the beeps was starting to drive you crazy.  
  
 _Beep._

_Beep.  
_

_Beep._  
  
Over and over again. But it also told you that John was still alive.  
  
Dave sat beside the bed holding John's hand, you in the corner watching. Casey was being watched by one of their friends, Rose, for the time being.  
  
John had had a heart attack and wasn't expected to wake up. Apparently from what his dad had said, it ran in the family. He had gotten lucky and had not suffered such fate.  
Unfortunately,  John wasn't that lucky.

_Beep._  
  
Beep. 

_Bee-_  
  
The twentieth time you see him you didn't want to be there. He was dressed nicely in a suit and tie. The suit was black, and the tie was a nice and rich green that would of have contrasted nicely with his eyes. His hair had been slicked back with what you assumed was gel, the mustache that had been growing on him for a little while had been shaved off, and oddly it made him look ten years older.  
  
Or maybe it was how deathly pale he was.  
  
Get it? Deathly pale.  
  
He was laid down in a white coffin that had golden trim around the edges, hands intertwined ontop of his chest. The fabric inside was a deep blue much like how his eyes had been. On top of the coffin laid a boutique of red, blue, and white roses. Dave picked our the red and white ones. You insisted on the blue.

Red and white roses fit Dave's feelings for the boy.  
  
Not only was blue John's favorite color, blue roses also fit your feelings for him.  
  
All together it fit John.  
  
You draped your arm across your brothers shoulders as they buried him. He had his shades off, tucked safely inside his pocket. Casey was crying into his shoulder, too young to fully understand what happened to her daddy but old enough to realize he wouldn't be back. Dave wouldn't cry in public. Though his face resembled that of how John's face had once- that day years ago as you comforted him.  
  
Suddenly the weight of the fact that you never told John how you felt fell upon your shoulders. IT felt like a million tons of pressure landed on you and you thought that you wanted to just let your own dam break open. But you didn't, and you pushed the thought aside. You needed to be your brother's support tower. You would be there as the brother you should be no matter what. You will put your own feelings aside.  
  
That didn't stop you, however, from staying behind to have one last moment the cold stone or the freshly placed soil. You sit at his grave after everyone else had left, even Dave. The sun had just started to set and the wind was strong against you.  
  
You traced your pointer finger over the letters that spelled out JOHN EGBERT.  
  
"Did you know John.." you start out softly, a single tear rolling down your cheek. You ignore it.  
  
"I love you. It wasn't love at first sight but it was close enough."


	2. Dead men tell no tales

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Feelings are confusing things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After six months I finally wrote the second chapter.
> 
> This one is written in John's point of view. It's also written a little differently than the first chapter woops.

He liked to think he was ninja like and unnoticeable, but he wasn't. You were quite aware of him watching you when he did. You just never worked up enough nerve to say anything to him. After all he was Dirk Strider. Best friends brother or not, he was still pretty intimidating. Or maybe he wanted you to know that he watched you like a hawk staring down its prey or a cat getting ready to pounce. Honestly you wouldn't put anything past one of the Striders. 

Though you didnt mind him watching. In fact it was just the opposite of minding. You started to view him as somewhat as a fantasy, creating scenarios in your mind as to why he always watched you when you were in the same room together. It was a bit wrong of doing so since he was a living breathing human being, but he intrigued you. It was healthy, you knew none of the fantasies in your mind would ever be true, anyways. That's what you told yourself and what made it justifiable in your head.

Though after a while of this going on, you got bored and all scenarios possible were played out. They were soon relaced with feelings for another.

Actually no. Relaced wasn't quite the word for it. More like unleashed, and you convinced yourself that the only reason you started to have a crush ( could it even be called a crush? ) on Dirk was because of your dormant feelings for your best friend, and his little brother. It would make sense, they were a lot alike in appearances. It took a while for you to come to terms with these facts. However you were not fully convinced on the matter.

At one point Dave confronted you about it. You freaked out and told him you weren't a homosexual. In a way it wasn't a lie, you weren't. Actually you didn't have a preference if you liked penis or vagina ( not just boys or girls, you've learned. ) and frankly you didn't really like labels. If you had to put one on yourself you'd say somewhere in the pansexual area, however.

But either way, that mess up resulted in all chances of you with Dave being flushed down the drain. 

A few days later you walked in on him kissing Karkat. If your heart wasn't already broken, it sure as hell just shattered into a million peices.  
You had just stopped over his apartment in hopes of salvaging any bits of relationship you could to try to see if maybe you could explain what happened. You had a date planned out if he said yes and the butterflies wouldn't leave your stomach. They sunk when you walked into Dave's room.

They didn't seem to notice you so you quietly closed the door behind you and made your way to the living room, slumping down against the wall. You were not going to cry. You were strong and could handle this. John Egbert would not cry over something stupid and trivial as seeing his best friend kissing someone else.

You weren't sure how long you were sitting there before you felt someone slide down on the other side of you. You glanced over and saw Dirk Strider sitting next to you, and you were surprised. You never really had a chance to look at him, but he really looked like Dave and if you squinted hard enough maybe you could pretend-

You stopped those thoughts immediately. You were a horrible person for thinking that, and you beat yourself up mentally for it. Dirk is Dirk, Dave is Dave.

The both of you remained in a silence that wasn't awkward nor comfortable. You didn't know what to say but you could practically feel the worry radiating off of him. Maybe you were more easy to read than you thought. Finally, after what felt like hours of just sitting there, you say something just above a whisper.

"He was kissing Karkat." You weren't sure if he heard you or even understood what you meant, but you couldn't stop the tears from overflowing as you grabbed at his shirt and clung to him as you sobbed. You felt Dirk stiffen but you couldn't give a crap at the moment because he smelled good and his arms wrapped around you and there was someone there and you needed him right now. You needed someone there. He soothed you and eventually you calmed down, listening to his steady heart beat. You're not sure when you fell asleep.

When you woke up, the first thing you notice is that are not in your own room. Your head was stinging slightly as you sat up and looked around, quickly remembering everything that happened the night before. You spotted Dirk, fast asleep in a chair beside the ( what you figured to be his ) bed. Your face turned red in embarrassment as you recalled how you quite literally broke down in his arms. He must have carried you in here after you quite literally cried yourself to sleep.

Without thinking, you get up and leave without waking him up. You already put him through too much, that's for sure. You can't bare to face him when he wakes up. 

You're unaware that he punches Dave in the face later on. 

Days slipped by and Dirk strider wouldn't leave your mind. You felt bad for not thanking him properly but you were so embarrassed. You knew you shouldn't have just left like you did but you didn't know how to thank him honestly. You couldn't just walk up to him and say "Oh hey Dirk thanks for letting me sob all over you because your brother broke my heart even though it's my fault to begin with." It just wouldnt work out, no matter how you played it out in your mind.

It ate away at you, so finally you worked up enough courage and knocked on his apartment door, hoping to gods that Dave wasn't home. You figured you just had to go for it and not think about it. You almost backed out of it but befor you could, he answered the door. 

"I never said thank you for what you did." You manage to get out quickly, hoping it wasn't shaky or nervous sounding. He stares at you for a moment before replying.

"You didn't need to thank me, Egbert." You felt shy under his gaze, mostly because his shades were off so you could actually see him staring at you with those orange eyes. You took a deep breath before responding.

"No, I do! I mean I was kind of a mess and you didn't have to stay with me or put me to bed. So for that thank you."

You saw a smile light up on his face and you shrunk at the idea of him laughing at you, but a laugh never came. Your heart pittered in your chest at his words.

"To make up for ditching me after I humbly took care of you, you can make up for it by going on a date with me."

After a few seconds of thought and blushing deep red, you agree knowing you didn't really have a choice.

"It can't hurt after all."

When your date day approached you quickly took a shower and put on some of the best clothes you had that were casual, but fancy enough that you wouldnt feel out of place. That meant an all black, long sleeve tee-shirt ( one of the ones that had the design print of a suit on it, hoping that Dirk would get a kick out of it at least ) that was tight, but gave you enough room to move freely, a pair of darker skinny jeans, and your favorite pair of sneakers that were blue with a lighter breath symbol on the sides. It gave your outfit some color to make it pop. You couldn't really do anything to your hair to make it look good, so you let it air dry and left it alone. 

Dirk showed up at you door eight minutes after you finished brushing your teeth. He stared at you for a while ( you totally didnt stare back, not at all. Just because he looked great with that actual tie meant nothing. Suddenly you felt a little underdressed though ) before helping you to his car. What a gentleman. 

The date wasn't anything spectacular, but you had a great time. He let you pick the movie and in exchange he picked where the two of you had dinner. Quite a facy place he picked, but he told you his date idea, he pays. You oblige hesitantly. 

You can say that you were a little sad once the date was over, but like a great man he is he walked you to your door. With a smile you turned to face him. 

"Maybe we can do this again." You didn't wait for his reply before shutting the door behind you. You stayed there until you heard his car pulling away. You thought maybe your crush was coming back, but you quickly put those thoughs on the back burner, metaphorically, because you didn't want to see Dirk as a replacement for Dave.

You actually try avoiding him after that. And it worked for quite some time.

During that time, Dave had approached you with flowers and asked if you would forgive him. You didn't understand why until he explained what Dirk did and that Dave felt awful for making you cry. You countered with the fact that while you didnt mean to, you rejected him at first and Dave had every right to be kissing whoever he wanted. You accepted his apology and he pulled you in for a kiss.

You return it happily. He asks if you wanted to give dating him a shot. 

This time you didnt freak out, and replied with a simple yes.

You don't see Dirk for quite some time after that, and to your misfortune the next time you see him you're pressed against Dave's apartment living room wall, Dave on one side and the wall on the other. The two of you were quite literally eating each others faces, or well making out is the proper term. Dave had said Dirk wouldn't be home, but apparently he was let out from his job early. 

Dave boldly tells Dirk that the two of you are dating. Your face turns red in embarrassment of being caught, but also because you felt like you were betraying Dirk somehow. But that was silly. You're dating Dave. He walks further into the apartment and that was the last time you see Dirk Strider for quite some time.

He also but fades from your mind. Life moves on. Dave gets a place to himself and you move in with him then Dave proposes to you a year later. Youre the happiest man alive and you say yes. The year following that, you walk down the asile escorted by your father. You try not to cry as you see Dave standing at the alter, dressed in an all black suit with a red tie, just like yours even if yours was all white with a blue bow tie.

You say I do shortly after that and then suddenly you're John Strider. There are no regrets in your mind as you're pulled into a kiss with your new husband. 

You see Dirk for the first time in years later that evening. He looked like he aged five years in only two, but you try not to focus on that as you glide on the dance floor with him. You feel bad for stepping on his feet a few times but he doesnt seem to care. The dance soon ends and he excuses himself quickly.

You feel like your heart just broke but you have no idea why.

Time moved on and you and Dave decide you want to adopt a child. Naturally, soon a beautiful little girl who the two of you name Casey, becomes part of your small family.

She was only two when you adopted her so you could still properly raise her out of the orphanage. 

You want Dirk to be the god father, even if the Striders weren't religious. Dave agrees and brings Dirk over to discuss it. Dirk lights up when he sees Casey, and agrees immediately. You smile and thank him, feeling relieved. You can tell he loved her already.

Your twenty-fifth birthday passes and soon Casey's birthday steadily approaches. You throw a big birthday party for her, after all it wasn't that often that your little girl turns three.

Dirk ends up showing up with a present that even outstages her parents gift. You cant help but feel a little annoyed at that but quickly is forgotten when Casey tells you she's really happy. She's a smart girl for her age. You raised her well.

You don't really remember much after that. You remember doing your normal chores around the house as Dave was in the next room playing with Casey. It had been a few months since her birthday and everything seemed to be going good, great even. 

Then suddenly you feel a welding pain in your chest, choking, eyes going wide. You felt your head hit the floor and screams of your name before the world around you went black.

You were in total darkness that could only be described as nothing. Everything was numb, all besides a constant beeping noise that happened every few seconds. It soothed you and lulled you into comfort. Sometimes you heard voices as well, voices of people you think you knew. You weren't sure though. There was no one there. 

"-m so proud of you Jo-"  
"-ake up please egbert I nee-  
"-u can let go if you w-  
"-h im so sorry-"

Each voice was different but you couldnt place a voice with a name or face. You were too tired to do that. You were so tired and just wanted to sleep.

So you did.

When you woke up, you were still in the blackness but you felt different. You heard another voice, an unfamiliar one. 

No. You knew who it belonged to.

You turned around and you saw Dirk Strider standing at a stone. At first you were confused, so you walked to him. Then suddenly you figure out what was going on. 

You died.

You sat doen next to him and stared at your grave.

"Did you know John.." His words were muffled, as if you were under water. But you listened to him closely, wanting to wipe away his tears and hold him like how he held you all those years ago. 

You remained still.

"I love you. It wasn't love at first sight but it was close enough."

And suddenly everything went back to being black. You wish you could of have told him that you loved him, too. 

But dead men tell no tales.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im evil. End of story.

**Author's Note:**

> I picked out the colors of the roses for a huge reason. 
> 
> White roses mean "remembrance and new beginnings". Red stands for love. I think Dave would pick them out because he would always love John, keep him in his memory, and start a new chapter without his husband.
> 
> Blue roses stand for "hope against unattainable love". So I think Dirk would try to pass it off as blue being John's favorite color, but really he just wanted to show that until the end he hoped.
> 
> Also I was thinking maybe I would do another chapter from John's point of view or something later on.


End file.
